misinterpretation.

A while back I mentioned that writing a blog can sometimes feel a little like writing a horoscope. Whatever is written people tend to try to interpret their own meaning and relevance from it. Sometimes things are misinterpreted or misunderstood and that is in part why I took a couple of weeks out from writing here.
Day to day , minute to minute peoples feelings change. I have at times written in detail about my feelings *at the time of writing*.
I could feel myself looking too closely at the situation and felt the need to step back a little. Others reading were making their own assumptions and conclusions about my life and relationships. Which is fine until they voice that opinion and hurt people that I love .

BUT .. I'm still here !! I'm still kicking and actually doing pretty well this last couple of weeks.

H's behaviour seems to have settled down a little .. the atmosphere in our house has calmed somewhat. There have been more sensible calm discussions than stormy arguments. That's not to say the storm has passed it most certainly hasn't but there is a lull and I needed that so much.

I am aware we are headed for the time of year that I personally find most stressful . I need to plan and organise myself better to get through the basic things that need doing so that my 3 girls can have a nice Christmas. The celebrations happen everywhere and everyone reaches out to their friends wanting to meet and celebrate together . My diary fills with this and other things slip by the wayside. Every year the stress bubbles over inside me. Then two days after Christmas we escape with our friends from special kids and I feel like I can breathe again . That time cant come fast enough for me this year. The thought of the time between now and then makes me feel a little panicky already.

I completely understand why some animals hibernate. Of course its not an option for me so I will pick myself up and get on with it as I always have and probably always will .. and hope that I don't forget anything too important in the flurry of Christmas preparations.

Or at least I might be forgiven if I do.

whirlpool

After falling out with myself I decided I should try and define the different parts of me a little better.

Separating different parts of the contradictory and give each side of the argument a little air time . I'm not sure any of this makes sense but I will try and explain .. it means breaking some rules . Something I do often .. but this time its breaking my own rules to meet my own needs. At my own peril .

I have a strong urge to try and deal with my marriage issues , but I'm not sure how to deal with them I am trying though . I have a strong urge to run away and a strong urge to stay and resolve what I can. Running away doesn't solve anything much I know that and I'm not one to back out of anything without a fight . But I think temporarily escaping before facing the demons can't be all bad. Can it ? SO I may have shut out the world and escaped within myself a little more than I should this week.
Dealing with Heathers challenging behaviour needs to be consistent and firm. The behaviour builds a tension within me and M that I feel NEEDS to be released somewhere somehow . Releasing it in any way near her defeats the object and returns the control to her behaviour. It lets the behaviour win . But sometimes its worth it for the end result .. the calm after a storm is often the most productive time. But it may increase the number of storms in future.
I have had real problems with her behaviour this week . A solemn realisation has hit hard. Wrestling an 8 yr old octopus on the kitchen floor to stop them kicking and denting the front of my new fridge ( which is about one of the only UNDAMAGED things left! ) she arched her back and headbutted me managed somehow to reach for a plastic cup that she had been drinking from and clocked me on the nose with it. I hugged her tight to me for about 30 minutes . A carer approached to help and was scratched and kicked . She helped remove her shoes to stop any more serious kick injury. When she finally calmed and the seizure monster jerked his way through her upper body 30 minutes later, I had a horrible vision of trying to tackle the same child in the same situation aged 15 .

I have to tackle the behaviour NOW . really RIGHT NOW .. even in a year I'm not sure I will be physically capable . She has gained weight and i just bought aged 9 to 10 clothes that FIT . I am scared stiff of not coping .

It sounds simple , we have the strategies and in theory they should all work. But when your tired ,your family are tired, your husband is tired and struggling with his own feelings on the subject. When you've had no time for YOU no time TOGETHER . No time to breathe or sleep. It feels like a whirlpool sucking you down . You fight and swim and kick hard and gasp for air trying to make it back to calm waters on the surface.

There is a small part of you that wonders if you take a deep breathe curl into a ball and let the current suck you down .. where do you end up ? The whirlpool must have a natural end ...it must release you at some point and maybe just maybe you would float to the surface again.

I'm not brave enough to go passively into the whirlpool .. and every time I'm exhausted I allow myself a small break from fighting it feels like I am sucked in deeper and have to kick harder to see the surface at all.

The Whirlpool might take me . Eventually . I think there is a good possibility it will grow stronger than I could ever be .

SO I'm kicking steadily trying not to exhaust myself too early .. waiting for the life line from somewhere anywhere ... all to aware of the strength of the currents building all around me . If the time comes and there is no lifeline in sight I will try to take the deepest of breaths before I'm sucked in.

if it happens ..I hope to see you on the other side my friends :)

Melancholy.

I have fallen out with myself .

The contradictions within myself , my heart my head and my soul are overwhelming everything else.

I carry on planning ahead . Reaching forward . Reaching not necessarily looking . TO things I know I used to love and have enthusiasm for . Things I once KNEW without a shadow of a doubt were real.

Patiently , I am waiting , hoping and praying the beat will kick in and I might want to dance again.

The man of my dreams ...

I am actually scared to sleep tonight .

Silly uh

The Reflection.

Ive written alot about reflections its been two weeks since I last wrote here . Since I told you all I felt ALIVE .. I really did . I think I still am . But reflection of life is death . Death of a feeling , death of something beautiful , emerging into something ugly . Decomposing in the soil. The reflection has become the focus for now.
The subconscious reflects our state of mind and our dreams are often meaningful . I had dreamt of bright lights and flowers and long summers , laughing children and beautiful images . I could see the beauty in the rough sea and the harsh wind and the rain on my face. I still can . But the dreams have changed to nightmares , a whole night tossing and turning and running and trying to escape the darkness of middle earth. I wake sweating and physically hurting.

I found a hiding place in middle earth. a hole in no mans land . I want to curl into it and sleep but im scared to close my eyes. There are walls on either side .. one of the walls might fall down ..i cant climb over it and it would be wrong to try. The other I dont know if i want to climb because there are shards of glass and rusted nails that will hurt me on the way . I dont even know what is on the other side.




The stags were stamping out a rythm .. the tension building in the lek . The volume and intensity raised and the church bells rang .

To signify the beginning of the end. The end of what ?

But I cant move from my hole in the ground . I need to stay a while .

It wasnt all just a dream .