whirlpool

After falling out with myself I decided I should try and define the different parts of me a little better.

Separating different parts of the contradictory and give each side of the argument a little air time . I'm not sure any of this makes sense but I will try and explain .. it means breaking some rules . Something I do often .. but this time its breaking my own rules to meet my own needs. At my own peril .

I have a strong urge to try and deal with my marriage issues , but I'm not sure how to deal with them I am trying though . I have a strong urge to run away and a strong urge to stay and resolve what I can. Running away doesn't solve anything much I know that and I'm not one to back out of anything without a fight . But I think temporarily escaping before facing the demons can't be all bad. Can it ? SO I may have shut out the world and escaped within myself a little more than I should this week.
Dealing with Heathers challenging behaviour needs to be consistent and firm. The behaviour builds a tension within me and M that I feel NEEDS to be released somewhere somehow . Releasing it in any way near her defeats the object and returns the control to her behaviour. It lets the behaviour win . But sometimes its worth it for the end result .. the calm after a storm is often the most productive time. But it may increase the number of storms in future.
I have had real problems with her behaviour this week . A solemn realisation has hit hard. Wrestling an 8 yr old octopus on the kitchen floor to stop them kicking and denting the front of my new fridge ( which is about one of the only UNDAMAGED things left! ) she arched her back and headbutted me managed somehow to reach for a plastic cup that she had been drinking from and clocked me on the nose with it. I hugged her tight to me for about 30 minutes . A carer approached to help and was scratched and kicked . She helped remove her shoes to stop any more serious kick injury. When she finally calmed and the seizure monster jerked his way through her upper body 30 minutes later, I had a horrible vision of trying to tackle the same child in the same situation aged 15 .

I have to tackle the behaviour NOW . really RIGHT NOW .. even in a year I'm not sure I will be physically capable . She has gained weight and i just bought aged 9 to 10 clothes that FIT . I am scared stiff of not coping .

It sounds simple , we have the strategies and in theory they should all work. But when your tired ,your family are tired, your husband is tired and struggling with his own feelings on the subject. When you've had no time for YOU no time TOGETHER . No time to breathe or sleep. It feels like a whirlpool sucking you down . You fight and swim and kick hard and gasp for air trying to make it back to calm waters on the surface.

There is a small part of you that wonders if you take a deep breathe curl into a ball and let the current suck you down .. where do you end up ? The whirlpool must have a natural end ...it must release you at some point and maybe just maybe you would float to the surface again.

I'm not brave enough to go passively into the whirlpool .. and every time I'm exhausted I allow myself a small break from fighting it feels like I am sucked in deeper and have to kick harder to see the surface at all.

The Whirlpool might take me . Eventually . I think there is a good possibility it will grow stronger than I could ever be .

SO I'm kicking steadily trying not to exhaust myself too early .. waiting for the life line from somewhere anywhere ... all to aware of the strength of the currents building all around me . If the time comes and there is no lifeline in sight I will try to take the deepest of breaths before I'm sucked in.

if it happens ..I hope to see you on the other side my friends :)