another month has passed

... and in that month so much has changed.

it seems that 2010 is set to be a year of change . Things that have existed in my life for 20 years are changing into new dimensions and its happening fast.
My husband moved out two weeks into the new year to begin a new life. One i truly hope will bring him some happiness. The split has brought us both much sadness and heartache but we both also know that we have made the right decisions and not always selfishly. The older girls seem to have some understanding of how we came to this and are doing okay . M has been here at some point almost everyday since moving out and we have helped to decorate and furnish his new place so that the children can spend time with him somewhere nice. That's an important thing for any father. To be able to have a relationship with their children somewhere they can both feel comfortable. It seems to be working OK .. so far so good . I realise its very early days .

sounds easy doesn't it ? its really not been as easy as I make it sound and I am so grateful to my friends for all their support and love. The love really has been so important . Just knowing that people care has kept me looking forward . Looking back is painful. I think of all the good times and all the achievements made in a 20 year relationship and cant help wondering if this is *throwing it all away* . The reality is of course that those times have passed and were not wasted at all but we can't carry on living for the past . These decisions are about the future . About what two people want from their lives , making every day count . Having a child with a disability taught us both to appreciate life and want to live it to the very best we can.

Ive had days where its been hard , on my own with a disabled child and two teenagers who have all the usual teen challenges and some. Ive been low , very low. Each time I have managed to pick myself up and look forward to an easier day . I'm stronger than I ever thought I could be. That in itself has been a long awaited revelation.

Along the way there are lots of small torches lighting the way .. my sister and I have become closer , friends that I thought were really good friends have judged me and shown their true colours whilst others have listened carefully without assumption and proved to be worth their weight in gold. Things are changing . I cant say for sure that its changing for the better only that it is and that I will do my best to face it head on .

Its half term this week . M is very busy with work so for most of this week I will be alone with all the children with little respite. Heather woke early this morning and is full of beans after a disturbed night .. I think it might be a tough week ahead ..