today I rode the rollercoaster .. I'd quite like to get off now

An emotional roller coaster that is ..

I woke earlier than usual . The older girls are in Germany with their dad on a short holiday , the house was quieter than usual and I could hear a whirring sound . It was the sound of my neighbours air flow mattress slowing transferring her weight from one side of her frail and weak body to the other to prevent bed sores . Two weeks ago she was outside talking to me over the garden fence as she has for almost 18 years . Shes like a grandmother to my children . Pancreatic cancer has taken her away from us so swiftly it feels like we blinked and now we are close to her being gone forever. The day started with the thought that I must go in and see her today , morphine runs deep in her system now I hoped she would know I was there . I hadn't been very well for a couple of days so I hadn't seen her for fear of taking my awful bug to her family caring for her , she needs them so much right now . I have to admit to being a little afraid of what I would find .

Ive had some health issues myself , and concerns surrounding that have niggled me for a few days ... then I had the most wonderful reassurance about that .. fear and sad thoughts swept away temporarily and replaced with elation and hope .

I came downstairs to find an update on our friends daughter who has had what would be a routine operation for most children but sadly it has left Poppy fighting for her life . The next few hours were spent watching , waiting and anticipating the updates on her health .. shes still fighting and her friends and family are still hoping praying and willing her to pull through and come back stronger than ever from this .

Then again good news .. a letter from L's school containing her results of her beauty course exams . Lindsay has struggled with her education from day one , she has mild learning difficulties and an autistic spectrum disorder . Imagine my pride to find she had passed with MERIT a year before she was due to complete the course :) So so proud of her .

Then I picked Heather up from school and we said our goodbyes to staff and teacher , Heather will be moving class next year and this was the last day of term . A particularly special year for her teacher . F was our first ever carer , she worked with Heather through college and then through university , she was over the moon to then get a job at Heathers school and by sheer coincidence ended up being Her teacher for her first year fully qualified teaching . It was a kinda happy sad moment when they parted their ways today ..

At home I checked in on face book , my news feed was absolutely awash with love hope and prayers for little Poppy , an amazing group of parents from special kids in the UK coming together to support a much loved family and trustee of our charity . As hard as this is you cant help but smile at what this group of families can achieve , how it can make people feel .

Heather fed and playing nicely in the garden we went next door where she lay on their garden swing while I made my visit to Edie . I am at a loss for words tonight . How can we allow someone to suffer like this ? we all prayed and hoped all day for a little girl who could have a very long and happy life ahead of her .. willing her to fight , to breathe .. to live . And here I am just a few hours later , praying hoping and willing someone I really care so much about to stop fighting , to rest and to leave this world as swiftly and painlessly as we could hope for. It wont be long , I honestly pray that it is soon .

dear god , please make the right decisions tonight . I am so emotionally exhausted I will have to sleep on this roller coaster you put me on today .