FINE .

Being nervous is something I'm not really used to . I am usually pretty confident in most situations. If I'm not feeling very confident my usual strategy is to appear that in I AM . Which isn't always successful way of dealing with things but its just my way. When I appear smiling and chatty I am often at my most vulnerable . Some people know me well enough to see those moments without needing me to make them aware. Others fall hook line and sinker and think *oh shes fine* and cant even begin to imagine me feeling nervous or apprehensive about anything.
Over the last year or so this has changed quite alot . I seem to have opened up a little more to people . Allowed them to see the more vulnerable side of me and given up a little on pretending that all is OK all the time . When people ask how are you and you reply FINE .. often that's all they really want to hear . Others ask hows things ? how are you ? and when you say FINE they can see straight through it .. they know by the fact you said fine that you mean .. I'm coping . Things are very often far from fine in my world . Fine would be a 9 year old daughter that slept through the night for a start . Rather than waking 11 times ( as she did last night) and being so terribly unsettled it actually makes her unwell eventually . Fine would be so many little things just flowing as they should ... people making a little more effort for each other , trying a little harder to consider each other .. There are of course no major disasters in our life right now . So in my world the word "fine" also applies quite nicely to that.

So why am I not feeling FINE today ? Ive had a little bug , a bit of a sore throat , slight temperature last week but that's all clearing up I felt terrible but I'm on the mend pretty much FINE yknow . But still its there ....
In the pit of my stomach there is a slight churning , a nervousness I cant really describe . Tomorrow I am having a scan . I'm 20 weeks pregnant today . Half way through my pregnancy as the text books keep reminding me my skin and hair are changing , my breasts are changing , my body , my mind and my life are changing .. and my baby is growing larger everyday . The baby can hear now , the baby is establishing a pattern of waking and sleeping , kidneys are now functioning ,baby's nerves are making more and more complex connections. senses of smell, taste, sight and hearing are all developing.

Will it be a boy or girl ?? Do I even care ?? .. the answer is NO , not really . All these wonderful developments happening inside are over ruled by one thing . This baby doesn't MOVE. By 15 weeks with my 3rd child I felt small kicks and prods , a little later with the previous two but definitely by 20 wks with all of my previous children kicks and shoves from the inside were definite. Heather was my last child . Born with disabilities her legs didn't do much in the grand scheme of babies ... they would jerk and wriggle a little .. later she would get a foot caught in my ribs due to her sheer size , but never a huge forceful kick like with the first two. It feels like a similar thing this time . Some subtle rolling movements , you can SEE from the outside when the baby rolls over from one side to the other, my shape changes if I'm laying on my back. A gentle hand on top can feel the sensation against the palm of their hand . But still no kicks . No prods , no *fluttering* or *bubbling* the text books keep harping on about. For me this is not FINE .

from a popular pregnancy website .. week 20

" Your Baby
Chances are good you're feeling someone performing a round-off back handspring in your uterus by now. Is there any other feeling this cool?"

they are spot on .. that would be so cool :(

Everyone reassures me its FINE , its all going to be OK , they know it .

only they DON'T , no one can assure me this is FINE and I wish they would just realise that actually it is okay for me to be scared . I am the one with first hand knowledge of just how difficult life with a disabled child can be , and what life can be like when things really don't go *just fine* .

I'm looking forward to seeing the baby , we have been counting down the days . Dave is excited and Ive tried not to share my worries with him too much though I have failed miserably on that today . I couldn't bring myself to spoil his obvious happiness with my worries until now. I know this baby will be loved whatever he or she turns out to be like. ALIVE is a wonderful wonderful thing compared to the alternative. I'm just very aware of tough things can get in the early days , even with a regular family a new baby is a big change . We have two teenagers going through all the lovely teenage developments and a disabled 9 yr old who is nothing short of very hard work . Adding in any difficulties with this baby on top of all that we will need every ounce of strength we have . I'm so glad we have a great relationship and am confident we can get through just about anything, I have a lovely supportive family who will always be there for me no matter what. For all of this I am so grateful . I really hope that we are all blessed with a healthy baby in 20 weeks time .