Breaking dawn ...

Just before the 3rd film in the Twighlight series came out (eclipse) Dave was living in a flat in Sussex. We saw each other every other weekend back then . I was adjusting to living alone here with the children and their father was preparing his new flat for them to be able to go and stay with him at weekends. I used to travel down to Sussex and stay at Daves whilst my ex came here to see his children. It worked well for the months it needed to . But as time passed I needed my space to feel like my own . My ex partner staying in my house at weekends when I wasn't there was odd. The weekends I spent at Daves flat were welcome time out from reality and we both look back on that time now as good times where we spent hours talking into the night and sometimes not even leaving the flat all weekend , just spending time relaxing thinking and sharing our thoughts on life , the future , and many other random things. Feeding the squirrels in the gardens , I bet they miss us.

One weekend we decided to go to the cinema to see Eclipse but Dave hadn't seen the first two films in the series, so we rented them on dvd and borrowed a projector ... Turning the huge bare walls of that far too spacious , empty , soulless flat into a makeshift cinema was the best thing anyone had ever done with it I'm sure ! The surround sound we blared out shook the entire building and Im glad I wasn't his neighbour that night haha! Twighlight , followed by New Moon and the Eclipse at the cinema all in one weekend might have seemed like overkill on the vampire thing but actually it made for a really nice relaxed weekend and one I'll never forget . It seems a long time ago already. So much has changed.
Dave moved to benfleet over a year ago now , his flat down the road was more homely, he spent time and money making it so . It was his / our plan that he would stay there. The second bedroom was intended for his daughter to visit and stay with him and he had decorated and prepared it alongside the rest of the flat for a long term stay . He moved into there in Sept 210 . So it was a whole year before he came to live with us here. His relationship with his daughter was never allowed to grow, the room remained neat and untouched for his entire tenancy. After time it took on that cold soulless feeling of the flat in Sussex. Spending more time with us here over the year getting to know my girls and seeing how life ticked over for us. This started to feel like home. When he was here I started to feel he was "coming home" and so eventually that's what we made it . His home too . We don't have much space , we are ridiculously crammed into 3 small bedrooms and the new baby will be sharing with us for the foreseeable future. Many have asked how we will manage , my answer to them has always been difficult one. What others see as a housing "problem" I simply can't see it that way.

*** Eclipse spoilers ahead do not read on if you wish to see the film without ..****

Last night we went to see the fourth film in the Twighlight saga.. Breaking dawn. I was warned before I went that it might not be suitable viewing for a heavily pregnant woman, especially one that has nightmares after watching the ten o'clock news on a regular basis! Having seen all the films so far we were both keen to see this one and Dave has of course assured me that he is not planning to perform a Caesarian on me with his teeth to bring our daughter into this world . Shortly after Bella's "human death" Jacob (not the child's father) approaches her newborn child and their eyes meet , and Jacob (who happens to be a wolf if your not familiar) imprints on the child .

And there it was , my answer to the "problem" that so many people think we have ..

" it's not like love at first sight really , it's more like ....gravity moves ... Suddenly . It's not the earth holding you here anymore , she does. You become whatever she needs you to be , whether that's protector, lover or a friend."

The connection I already feel to our child is just as it is for each of my children, after your first is born you think you will never love another human this much ever again , and every mothers heart feels those worries and shards of guilt cutting them when a second comes along and to your suprise there is always enough love to go round. Fearing the first born may feel left out worrying unnecessarily how a family will bond together. It's all perfectly normal . Baby Hope has a different father but I just know that she will still bond with her sisters and with all of my family in her own way . Gravity has moved for us , we will be what she needs us to be , she will never be the problem, it will never matter that we live in a small house or struggle financially or that the greed of others has kept us in this position.

This is the first day of the 30th week of my pregnancy , 11 short weeks left until we hold her in our arms . Our own little dawn breaking on the world and changing it forever.